Ways to Connect With Your Child During Tough Moments
Parent-Child relationships are some of the most important and beautiful relationships in the world but they can also be some of the most difficult and trying dynamics at the same time. Learning how to effectively communicate and listen within these relationships can greatly improve the bond between parent and child. When a child or adolescent has a strong emotional reaction to an event, it can be difficult to understand what warranted such a response but there are small steps that a parent can take to help build the relationship during an emotional event. Your child's problems are as real to them as yours are to you.
First, recognize that developmentally your child or adolescent is in a different cognitive and emotional space than you are in the moment. This means that there are limitations to how your child is able to think of scenarios. For example, a teenager who makes a rash decision simply cannot connect the dots between cause and effect. This is why they made what would assume to be a black and white decision but the child cannot recognize what effect the poor decision would have on them.
Second, do not dismiss their emotions. As a parent it can be easy to recognize the necessary steps to fix a problem, but if your child is obviously upset then they cannot view these steps as you can and in fixing the problem you could possibly be relaying the message that the problem needs priority and their emotions need to go away. There are ways to help your child develop their emotional maturity by acknowledging what they are feeling in the moment. Simple steps to accomplish this are:
Show that you're listening by using your body language and voice. You can sit at eye level with your child, lean in toward them, and nod your head as they talk. You can say things like "Mmmhmmm," and, "Oh, I see what you mean."
Tell your child that you understand what they're feeling and why. You can say things like, "I see. You got angry when your brother ripped your drawing. That must be so frustrating since you worked really hard on it,” and “You are angry that you are failing science right now and that worries you about your college application.”
Do not be afraid of negative feelings and address them in a positive way, try to avoid saying things like “stop worrying” or “relax” because these relay the message that their feelings could be wrong or not acceptable.
Remember that every feeling is acceptable, but every behavior is not. Understanding your child’s feelings is different than letting them behave in a rude or hateful way towards yourself and others.
Be genuine, your child will be able to notice when you are not in the moment or relating to them. For example, if your child loses their sweatshirt and is crying you may not believe the reaction deserves a meltdown, but you can understand losing something that you really care about.
Focus on their problems without distraction, no phones, computers, or any other technology device that would separate them from you. (Littlefield, 2022)
Third, when difficult moments arise between you and your child or adolescent look at them as learning opportunities and a chance to be in the moment with them. This relays many positive and affirming messages to your child that they are seen, valued, and understood. In helping your child to identify their emotions and work through them, these moments allow your relationship to build as you are viewed as someone your child can trust with their feelings.
—Madeleine