boundaries without guilt

Having trouble setting boundaries within your relationships?

Sometimes this feels like an impossible task when those close to us are in need of our help. What do we do when we just need a little space to protect our energy? Won’t they be upset with me if I were to say “no”?

By the end of this post you’ll have a better understanding of how to set healthy boundaries without feeling guilty doing it.

First!...What is a boundary?

A boundary is a way of letting other people know what is and isn’t acceptable for your personal space, energy and self care. 

We all have boundaries that need to be set whether that be within our personal relationships, work settings or even ourselves. By setting boundaries, we are informing others about what we value and preventing ourselves from getting overwhelmed with what feels uncomfortable. 

Has there ever been a time when a friend has been late on numerous occasions? The friend is consistently late and you catch yourself saying, “oh it's ok, i’ll wait,” all the while you are fuming inside thinking, “again?” This was not a one time occurrence, but a pattern that has been allowed to continue due to not setting a healthy boundary.

So what does boundary setting look like?

1. Becoming aware and recognizing that you are not comfortable with the current situation. Before you can set a boundary, you first have to understand what it is you are setting and why you are setting it. In the example with the friend being late, recognizing that them being continuously late has caused discomfort due to the lack of respect for your time.

2. Remind yourself that it is ok to set a boundary. Many times we feel we shouldn’t sa7anything out of guilt for expressing your true feelings. What this does is express to the other person that it is OK to take advantage of you. Giving yourself permission to set a healthy boundary will help reinforce the importance of standing up for yourself.

3. Clear and direct communication is key in setting boundaries. As Brene Brown says, “Clear is kind, unclear is unkind. The more clear you can communicate your wants and needs, the easier it will be for the other person to understand what is and isn’t acceptable. For example, instead of saying, ‘oh it’s ok no worries’ to your friend whom is consistently late, a clear and direct boundary would be, “ok, thank you for letting me know, but I will need to leave at __ time due to another engagement I have afterwards” OR “ok, thank you for letting me know, how about we reschedule due to a previous engagement I have afterwards.”This is informing them that you won’t wait forever and letting them know that you can only stay a certain amount of time so they are aware. This will prevent any confusion and discomfort when you’re sitting there looking at your watch rushing to get to your next engagement.

4. Expect resistance when you first set your boundaries. When we are not used to setting  boundaries, those close to us are not used to receiving them. Just as you are getting used to setting them, they are getting used to understanding them. A common occurrence is when someone resists our boundaries we have a tendency to say, “Well I set it, and it didn’t work therefore boundaries don’t work.” Because boundaries are uncomfortable at first we will tend to sacrifice our own needs out of fear of conflict and end up feeling responsible for others. 

How others respond to your boundaries is NOT your responsibility. It is NOT your responsibility to help them feel better about themselves. You are only responsible for your own feelings and responses.

In the example of the notoriously late friend, the response might be something like “Oh I promise I’m not too far down the street, I won't be too long!” This resistance is to be expected, but setting the boundary by saying, “Lets go ahead and reschedule to prevent either of us rushing.” This informs them that you won’t continue to wait, and you are being direct in your rescheduling. Any pushback is simply likely their guilt for being late and lack of respect for your boundaries.

5. Boundary setting takes consistency and much practice. Setting a boundary one time probably won’t be enough, just as it takes time for habit to build, it takes consistent boundary setting for the other person to understand the needs and expectations you are placing upon them. 

If boundaries sound like something you are in need of implementing in your own relationships, then I am your gal. Don’t hesitate to reach out for a free consultation and see how we can tackle this together!