It’s not you, it’s me
Do you remember the classic break up line, “it’s not you, it’s me”? Such a great way to let someone down easy (unless they don’t want to hear the cliche). What if I told you that it really is you and not them? That’s right! You. Are. The problem. (Or, at least you have a problem.)
Let’s talk about how your attachment style could lead you to leave somebody (when they’re not the problem).
Anxious (or insecure)
How often do you feel anxious about your relationships? Do you find yourself needing reassurance from others? This is a big place for over thinkers and people-pleasers.
Some people really adore those with anxious attachment. We even came up with a term for some of these behaviors - golden retriever energy.
But what does this look like from an unhealthy perspective?
Any signs or hint of rejection becomes extremely hurtful. Why aren’t they responding to my texts? Did I say or do something wrong? What if they hate me? Am I not good enough for them! Maybe they’re better off without me.
Avoidant
Within avoidant attachment style, we may not really care for others. If they’re there, cool. If they’re not, whatever. But wait. This person has been around for a while. That’s weird.
These thoughts may be common for those with avoidance. Sometimes it also sounds like…
Why is this person still here? They’re invading my personal space. They’re breathing too loud. I don’t have the energy for them. Ugh, why are they wanting to talk or hang out all the time? I just saw them last week.
Disorganized
There may be some situations where we feel we fit both anxious and avoidant attachment styles. This is considered disorganized.
We want to be with someone. ANYONE. It’s difficult being alone. But everyone we have around, we question what we mean to them.
Do you still like me? Am I getting on your nerves? I bet they hate me. They’re probably going to leave me. It’s probably best for me to leave before they leave me. I don’t need them.
All of these have a basis of protecting. We are constantly attempting to protect ourselves whether consciously or subconsciously, even when we self-sabotage our relationships. There is a part of ourselves that believe it is the best way to protect ourselves.
If you feel like you’re struggling to start or maintain your relationships (romantic or not), please reach out to your counselor to discuss your attachment style. If you don’t have a counselor, WCT would love to help you find the best fit for you.
—Linda