relationships are prickly- a true story

When I got out of the shower, I was thinking about some stuff, as I usually do. I thought about how my relationship with my ex was a learning experience, because the entire time I was with him, I was learning what love was... or was I?

There’s that (some would say overdone) quote that says, “Love is kind. Love is patient.” I feel like I kept having these inserts in my life telling me what a healthy relationship is “supposed to be like.” What you’re “supposed to do” and how you are “supposed to respond.”

It was these external ideas and perceptions that kept me in the relationship for so long. I felt I was constantly being influenced into doing what was “right” for my relationship, even though it ended up hurting me in the end.

I really took the idea of “loving your significant other despite their flaws” literally and whole heartedly. Upon reflection, I thought about all of the characteristics of my ex that crashed up against my own boundaries and beliefs. I overlooked these parts of him I didn’t agree with because I began “should-ing myself”. I should-Ed myself to believe “nobody is perfect” and you should “love them despite their flaws” and “accept partners for who they are.” With all this should-ing of myself, I now know I was blocking out my own authentic thoughts. I didn’t love him despite his flaws. I simply tolerated them because I thought I “should”.

I think back at all the things that he did that I hated, and every time, I would ignore it. I pretended it wasn’t happening, or simply avoided it. I wanted nothing to do with his negative behaviors.

I did everything I thought I was supposed to do in that relationship with my ex, because I thought it was the right thing to do. I thought if the relationship failed, it would be because of me. I remember a coworker telling me, “you don’t just leave when things get bad. You fix it.” I remember seeing so many things online about how “not all relationships are perfect” and shit about having to be patient with each other. So “maybe”, I thought, “maybe I’m doing something wrong.” Because if I wasn’t being patient enough, I wasn’t being kind enough, I wasn’t giving enough. If I wasn’t doing my part to be a good partner, the relationship failing is my fault. Because I wasn’t enough. And if I couldn’t be enough for this guy, who could I ever be enough for? Who could love me if he didn’t?

I do not blame others for how and why I ended up staying in a toxic relationship for so long, because in the end, I was the one who needed to become aware of the power I was giving outside influences on my life, instead of leaning inward and trusting myself and my feelings. I “should-ed” myself during the majority of the relationship instead of focusing on what is was that I needed and deserved.

I didn’t stay with him because I loved him. I stayed with him because I believed that no one else would love me. Now I know I don’t have to be afraid of that any more.

—Linda